Un-Un-Cat, Episode 18. — The Untimely Impeachment.
Everywhere U.G. campaigned people swarmed to hear a talking cat running for president of the United States, speak.
There are not enough words to express the attraction power of Utah Robin Green, the Cat-person in a pants suit as a live walking talking cat meme. Her security budget was already maxed to a full-time 24-hour staff while running for the House of Representatives. Her speeches in Congress had their own social media video channel with millions of views. They were not all cat lovers, but when greeting her “fans”, her paws went up. Both paws reaching towards the crowds, the peoples' arms reaching in to touch her fur outnumbered the hands in the front hopeful for a high-five. People, chanting “HUMAN, HUMAN!!” crushed each other and tangled up in so many events U.G. had to hire a medical team to follow her for everywhere to clean-up the trodden folks.
Meanwhile, the “free” world was focused on the Democratic hopefuls. The race was between the candidates who were popular by the real numbers of actual Americans by debating issues the people who care, cared about, against media time and coverage the BIG money paid to earn the votes of the Americans who didn’t actually care at all about politics but only voted because someone told them to.
When the media coverage mentioned the Republican contenders U.G. had no need of a media budget for TV adds because clips of her were everywhere. She endorsed no one. Silently in the lead on the Republican side of the aisle as an Independent/Republican she pulled her focus in on the people. She had let her donors know that the only way they could support her was to publically make it known that their campaign contributions would go to Universal jobs training programs and industry-specific paid-trade-schools for needed vocations. The trade schools were like paid internships to facilitate with the transition from the old post-industrial to the gig economy and/or to the new human first green economy — to careers not “jobs”.
U.G. knew the best gift she had to give to the American people was to listen and sort the data into a national conversation. So, she listened. At a relaxed dinner event where she had a lot of time to talk, instead of debate, she would talk.
“Everywhere I go, I hear people’s stories. Everybody needs a fair chance to seek the American dream. Over 75% of working people are living paycheck to paycheck. The young people burdened with mountains of student debt for degrees with no jobs. They are stuck with higher education as a disadvantage surviving with the rest of the underemployed working class with two or three jobs, all their time, week-in and week-out to get-by hand-to-mouth. There are PhDs in the arts and humanities teaching during the day and waiting tables and mopping floors at night. Very few people with an aptitude for programming computer code and everybody wants their own app. Bankers with engineering degrees, while we have some engineering job-related shortages. Young people moving to the city to become doctors leaving aging people in rural areas with a doctor shortage. Healthcare costs and cost of living, housing to transportation going up-up-up seemingly with no limit in sight. Those few making a livable wage acting like those monkeys ‘we hear no evil, we see no evil’. The famous, interviewed on talk shows don’t seem to get how cruel it is to say that it’s all mind over matter. Believe in yourself, they say to the working poor, the shreds of what is left of the middle class who are struggling, just to pay bills and keep their house — It’s all in your head, go seek mental health, when they are already choosing between glasses and dental as their “extra” expense this month. Be positive the ignorant holler at them as Americans commit suicide in record numbers! Deaths of middle-class Americans dropping the life expectancy for three years in a row for the first time in 100 years! Our nation is way out of balance people! How do we get to a situation where people are able to have time to be sane enough to care for the planet?” U.G. shook her head ‘no’.
Someone in the back shouted “HUMAN!”
U.G. smiled, “Line up the problems like ducks in a row, seems like a nice neat idea, if only those ducks ever held still. Universal job training for needed vocations is the U in HUMAN. If we want to save the planet and ourselves we need to flip the paradigm. Honestly, I am afraid of communism. There is a lot to not like there. Capitalism works, in fact, it works too well. So? Why not take something that works too well and make it work for us instead of against us?”
“This is the question that I asked every big corporate donor who has approached me. I asked them to please think about how that money could help make our shared environment a better place to live in. If you make food please put that money into research to figure out more sustainable foods and farming practices. If you sell any products, furniture to prescription drugs, please put that money toward researching more environmentally sound fair-trade products. A lot of lobbyists told me they already do that. So, we came up with the idea of new green jobs paid trade school programs. Wow, that’s a mouth full.” U.G. chuckled and then took a sip of water from her ‘CATEGORICALLY for TRUTH’ made in the USA refillable glass and enameled steel water canteen.
“If the top 1,000 companies in America invested in paid trade schools for new green jobs, 5 to 20 programs, training an average of 100 workers in each program we could have a million new green careers added to the economy this year, regardless of if I win or lose. I haven’t gotten pledges for a million new green careers yet, but I’ve gotten a few hundred thousand pledges for training jobs, not talking just dollars here, we have…” U.G. turned to the right of the stage and hollered. “Amy! how many pledge dollars have we got so far?”
There was a muffled reply and U.G. looked at her tablet on the podium. “It says here we have gotten 327,000 thousand something pledges for new green careers — paid training programs. Please put that up on the screen behind me for folks to see what I am looking at.”
U.G.’s note-taking tablet was black and white energy-efficient passive matrix screen for text only. The screen projected behind her was a color screen, like at a movie theater or a conference. So her team zoomed in on the pledge chart on her website to project on the wall behind her.
“Okay, see this line here. This is small donors, everyday working people pledging to pay for environmental careers for other folks. I’m especially proud of all the good people who are putting their money where their heart is.
Look, 2 million 580 thousand small pledges 172 thousand people donated an average of $15 dollars each toward many green ideas. Here’s one of my personal favorites. Eco-fashion: Environmentally friendly clothing and shoes made of hemp, bamboo, unbleached organic cotton etc…etc…, Fashion made to order via 3D design software, manufactured in a locally owned fashion co-operative.” U.G. read off of the screen and a lot of people clapped and some people cheered and whistled. “I have put in an order myself for some fun recycle or up-cycled clothing too. It’s so exciting I can’t wait to try on my first up-cycled outfit. But, I understand it’s gonna be a while.”
There was a muffled chuckle and murmur through the crowd, and a couple of in the middle of the crowd cheered and started dancing around a bit.
“The big money is for transportation infrastructure and water filtration and crowd-sourced pollution tracking. Water and cars, or should I say EV shuttles?” U.G. grinned and shrugged. Win or lose it was very exciting to imagine all these small paid trade school programs happening all across the nation. “I look forward to seeing the documentary podcasts from all the sectors as we figure out how to save the planet. People doing the work, and showing others how to do it too as they learn. Actions speaking louder than words. Say it with me, everybody. Sort the data and do the math!”
The crowd joined in “Sort the data! And do the math!” and many people clapped and cheered.
Her critiques called her Universal job training programs “science experiments.” One of the older more outspoken mainstream media pundits who was a confidant of the incumbent complained so much about her universal green jobs programs that people started getting really interested. He drove people who never would have heard about U.R.Green, before the presidential nominating conventions to her website and videos to check out what the heck he was talking about on his TV show.
“She doesn’t even know what she is going to do with all that money? She’s never managed money, not that kind of money, big money, millions of dollars and now she’s going to have contests to see who has the best ideas? Save the bees with wildflowers? What kind of a crazy experiment is that?”
Actually, her idea-storming contests were producing tons of ideas about what to do with the money. She just couldn’t do any of them as a candidate. The work would have to wait until after the election.
As the months passed POTUS 45 was increasingly encumbered by impeachment proceedings. He expressed his hatred about a lot of things, but seeing crowds show up and flock to her, to that stupid talking cat-person instead of going to his rallies put him more on the defensive than usual. At the last debate, he would attend before the trial, the incumbent was so stressed out, he barely said a single line that made any sense and didn’t answer any of the moderator’s questions.
“She’s not human.” He blurted out mid-rant. “Are you blind! She’s an animal. Look at her ugly furry face! She’s a Cat! She’s a fat fuzzy talking pussy cat!”
The crowd booed and the moderator desperately tried to shush them. But, his pleas for order were unheard by the crows as 45 paced on stage flapping his short little arms like an angry chicken.
“Yeah, boo all you want, you losers!” Then the orange-tinged-old- man lost it, he started yammering incomprehensible noises. “Meow, meow, roof, roof! eek! Eeek!! Look Ugh Gee there’s a mouse! Zzoop! Bing! Bong! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!”
U.G. and the AIC felt the crowd shift to anger. Some people were laughing at the incumbent, but many were glowering at him. “Shut Up!… booooo!” people heckled back at POTUS 45.
U.G. tried to think of the most presidential thing to do. “Hey, everybody gathered here. May I have your attention, please.”
Someone yelled. “God bless you!” really, really loud in a low booming voice over the din of others carrying on. That even got the attention of the incumbent, who stopped making animal noises and other onomatopoeia sounds, to mutter. “Who said that?” into his microphone.
“Thank you,” U.G. said and everyone including the incumbent who was alternately hunched forward and slouching while leaning on his heels rocking back and forth swinging his arms turned and stared at her deadpan like he was a zombie.
She smiled just slightly, a sad smile of a childless old maid and looked across all the faces of the crowd. “Everyone together for America, not for me, not for him, for our children, and our children’s, children. Dream the American dream for the future.” She wanted to say ‘sort the data and do the math, but it didn’t feel right, so instead she prayed, by shouting “God bless America!” Everyone was so relieved that it appeared this out of control debate was over, they started cheering and whistling like she had said something especially brilliant, even the incumbent nodded and clapped as if some of that noise was for him. Apparently choosing to ignore the chant of “U.R.Green!, U.R.Green!!”
The Republicans in Congress finally got the message that the incumbent was not a shoo-in to win the 2020 election and the impeachment proceeding transitioned from the House to the Senate the very next day. The people had chosen their Republican nominee and it was Utah Robin Green.
