Un-Un-Cat, Episode 15. — How a Cat became the HUMAN candidate.
U.G. was so busy as a Congressperson she barely had time to sneak away, but she did try to kick everyone out of her office to take a five-minute Cat-nap after lunch on most days. Her AI-Critter would stay on-guard and she would let her tail relax from under her jacket, unwrap from around her body. Then she would curl her furry cat self up in her chair on cold days and on hot days she would stretch out on the conference table in the back of her office, both poses were beyond yoga for most humans. To acknowledge herself as the person she was for the last few minutes of recess helped her to better digest reality before continuing the legislative day. She always felt that her best ideas and decisions happened after a micro-nap. Her staff knew this and were mostly pretty good about her routine.
Security staff at both the D.C. and Boise offices were frightened a few times by U.G.’s cap-naps. The AIC would wake her before they burst into her office, in time for her to jump up, land on her hind feet to meet them at the door. But, the security footage was shared a few times, and images of politicians in the digital age, doing anything questionable tend to spread, especially if your entire body is covered by thick fur and you have a tail.
After lunch on a busy Friday with pending committee meetings. The deputy chief from the other district in Idaho approached U.G.’s lead CRM. CRM stands for Constituent Relationship Manager, his job was to make sure every Idahoan who contacted them was heard. Letter, email, phone call, or text message, it is a tough job that utilized all of U.G.’s employees at times and almost 45% of her budget because their team paid interns. His name was Karl.
Karl, had a swagger in his step, especially when he walked fast and he was walking as fast as he could, without running to catch up with U.G. “Oh my, U.G… U.G… please pause a step, congresswoman Utah.” He knew she hated to be called by her first name Utah.
U.G. cringed and glared at him as he caught up, phone held close to her gaze.
“U.G. why do you do this? It’s almost like a wiener pic honey and you know they are watching. Because they always are… ” He scrolled a couple of video feed images clearly showing U.G.’s tail draped off of the table, furry arms cattywampus, the fur on her belly visible between her shirt and top of her pants.
“I have to stretch for a couple minutes every day,” she said to him softly not interested at all in looking at the images of herself. She wasn’t doing anything wrong, and she had to stay sane. She thought, and started walking again, she didn’t have to tell him that she had a meeting to get to. “Karl, thank you for keeping me informed.”
U.G. was all about actions speaking louder than words. She thought being a representative in Congress for the state of Idaho was a good fit because it is the State governments in the US who do the bulk of the actual work.
U.G. knew from experience that the people she represented would benefit greatly from environmental infrastructure and education investments they made now ahead of the newest technology. Climate change was raging in waves of storms across the US, laws telling people what not to do after the mess is made is like piling on punitive damages to the devastation caused by ‘an-act-of-God’ on their homeowner's insurance.
U.G. liked to answer issues on her budget with programs that got things done rather than laws that stopped people from doing stuff. For example, the obvious plus as relates to climate change for laws permitting rural biofuel toilets to heat hot water tanks; was keeping bodies warm with 7-to-15% less toll on the grid and no truck burning gas to empty a septic tank that was no longer there. The unobvious plus to bio-fuel energy is that no river water, lake, groundwater or soil was polluted by raw sewage. Human waste not only contains about 45-to-60% bacteria it is also contaminated with all the medicines we take and the tiny bits of plastic we accidentally ate or ended up in our dryer lint. A good bio-fuel septic system destroys all the toxins, plastic particles and the carbon and other gases are condensed. Some of the flammable liquids like alcohol and ethanol can be used as fuel with the other collected natural gas to light the solid fuel pellets. Many laws had to be completely rewritten for both the urban water treatment plants to sell electricity and natural gas and for the rural units.
Similarly when Idaho’s transportation department required an upgrade. PTAC (public transportation advisory council) asked for funds to pay gas vouchers and repair old vehicles. U.G. got several US manufacturers of electric vehicles, solar panels, and battery banks together to make a plan for organization owned, shared vehicles for public transportation. With funding from sponsors, they were able to purchase EV taxis, shuttles and charging stations for medical centers and other community center transportation departments.
Upgrading the entire petroleum-dependent transportation system to renewable energy still had a long road ahead but it was a good way to introduce the public to electric vehicles.
After U.G.’s campaign created county-owned non-profits to build transitional homeless shelters to keep people off of the streets that Cat finally got her Dog BFF’s dream of up-cycling run-down houses as hands-on trade-schools. They would compete for the best environmental designs to be approved for future architectural contracts.
Boise and much of Idaho’s population has grown so much that there is nearly a housing shortage. Carpenters barley keeping a month or two supply of new homes on the market, the median price of homes and rentals basically doubled in the last ten years (some home prices and rents more than doubled and others went up by 25 to 50%). U.G. worked with several state government agencies to create a program for teachers, police and other underpaid vocations. Essential workers are vital to a growing population, for them to qualify for special district-owned no-fee credit union mortgages was a win-win. Idaho knew they shouldn’t mess with the property values, but with interest rates pushed as close to the Federal lending interest rate as is physically possible, food and maintenance service workers, teachers, police and government employees would be able to own a home on their meager salaries.
Work like this, for the people, dealing with stuff physically in the world is what U.G. cared about. But, here she was in D.C., people snickering about her tail. Worse, they were spending all their time battling a fiscally unsustainable budget, over a trillion and a half of new federal debt looming like a rock-slide to undo any good programs that previous congresses managed to pass even halfway. It was like one step forward, three steps back, except it was actually one million for the greedy who don’t need it, minus thousands for the middle class who needed every dollar, and nothing to help the poor and the most vulnerable members of the country survive.
U.G. wanted to impeach the corrupt president. She knew it was dangerous to rile up POTUS 45’s most vehement supporters. They would riot and some would kill people. If we are to learn anything from the impeachment attempt of the 17th president, a president historians consider to be one of the worst and also most comparable to the ego and terrible ramblings of the 45th, people were going to get caught in the crossfire. But, Americans have already been dying in record numbers during the three years since the 2016 election, so many middle-aged and young people have died the life expectancy in the US has dropped for the first time in 100 years. Congress needs to take action and decide if the suffering of the many and the slow undignified death of neglect of a statistically measurable number, is preferable to the quick death that may be facing a few, caused by the inevitable conflict arising from impeaching a corrupt President.
“Instead of caring for the needs of the American people you are afraid for your own hides! It’s not the number of those loyal to POTUS that you are afraid of, it’s the automatic weapons and the number of bullets those weapons of war shoot. Guns that were not manufactured for civilian use, should not be used to undermine our Democracy! How long must we continue to mourn weapons of war targeting our hope for the future, our children!
If Congress hadn’t let the ten-year ban on assault weapons and large-capacity ammunition magazines expire in 2004, half as many people would have been killed in mass shootings and 14 times fewer people would have been injured!”
Everything that goes around comes around. Live bought by the NRA, die by the NRA.” U.G. went off-topic, from the administration’s terrible budget to impeachment, to the fear of her fellow members of Congress because the AI-Critter could hear their minds spinning. She was declared out of order and asked to yield the floor, many times.
Back in the lower court in Boise, it had been the AIC who had been losing its mind. Now in Congress attempting to process the dysfunction of government in D.C. she was losing it. She figured maybe it would be best if she did not get reelected this round. With no fear U.G. was relentless, every opportunity she had to fight for the humans who had elected her to serve she took methodically, and consistently, unflinching.
The staffer for the other district in Idaho who had brought the cat-nap photos to Kyle’s attention invited U.G. out to dinner. He was a handsome over confident young-ish man who wanted her seat. He was also a so-called ladies-man who had dumped his last three girlfriends.
U.G. was not paying any attention to him or the photos, she had tired of memes years ago. But, the AIC saw clearly what he saw. He was one of those stubborn minded egomaniacs so focused on himself and possible avenues for political gain he had actually convinced himself that U.G. wasn’t a cat. He barely glanced at the images he himself was shilling, it’s all fake, she’s crazy popular. He saw the funny security photos only as a means to win her attention. He the helpful-whistleblower-of-the-obvious.
U.G. was seated on a park bench watching birds to calm herself down after losing her temper in front of the assembly about their fear of impeaching POTUS 45. Her security let the staffer approach. The silver-fox sat next to the Cat-lady.
“What do you want? What’s your name?” U.G. said, her gaze following a robin as it hopped across the grass.
“You didn’t get back to me about that dinner invite. I made reservations.” He held out a large phone the size of a small tablet.
“I see.” U.G. didn’t look at the reservation for dinner he held out. The AIC was whispering, “Amy, your treasurer admires him. May be a crush. She had attempted to flirt and does search statistics about this man from time to time.”
U.G. looked him in the bright grey-green sparkly eyes. Thinking, “You hurt my good friend Amy, and I will find a way to make you pay”. She found her smile and said. “Let me text this reservation to my staff please.” and she sent the text with the dinner reservation from his phone to Amy.
U.G. didn’t have time to think much of this set-up later in her day. But, the AI-Critter did. While U.G. toiled away faithfully focused on her mountain of reading. The AIC kept it’s mind’s eye guarding over the friend of its master, Amy.
Both the silver fox and Amy were a couple minutes late, causing the maitre’d to quabble with him, almost giving the table away.
Amy knew who we was, and was a little annoyed that he didn’t recognize her. She followed them to the table and stood behind the chair the maitre’d had pulled out for her, waiting. “Mike,” She said, after he looked around her towards the door, and back to the menu a couple of times.
Mike stood up, a little startled, “Oh, you are on U.G.’s staff. I recognize you…” He held out his hand.
Amy said. “My name is Amy. Yes, U.G. set us up,” she tried not to be angry, but she was shaking a little as she unfolded the napkin in her lap, repeatedly.
“Ah,…” he said and froze. His attention going from the water glasses being filled at his request, back to her.
A funny thing happened from the AIC’s point of view. Their emotional states flipped. She had gone from a slight crush, to annoyed that he was idiotic enough to think her boss, U.G. a Cat-person would ever go out on a date with him.
He was almost smitten like love-at-first-sight because he was so relieved to see this stunningly normal woman, whom he knew was into civil service enough to handle his political aspirations because she was in his potential rival’s campaign.
They had a couple drinks and appetizers and pretended to wait for U.G. The more they talked and got to know each other the more polarized the situation became. She growing gradually more smug and he more entranced by the idea that she could be ‘the one’.
It was an awkward dance that would last for almost an entire year before Mike earned his shine back in Amy’s eyes. While they were in the District of Columbia he used every excuse he could think of to run into her. Some of the more awkward encounters making her laugh and the other politicians in the room wonder what was wrong with him. He learned a lot more than he ever anticipated learning about itemized disbursements, polling, research, and payroll. Lucky for him, Amy wasn’t fickle. She did still like him she just wanted to make sure his affection for her wasn’t second fiddle to his goal of running for representative.
“It’s politics, maybe my career goals should be first before marriage?” He blurted out at the “water-cooler” back in Boise.
“What did you say?” Amy hid her smile behind her cup. “I dare you to say that again in the form of a question.”
He got down on one knee, everyone in the conference room and surrounding offices gawking. “Amy. Maybe my career goals as a politician should be first, but all I keep thinking, over and over is… would you marry me?”
“Damn it, Mike. This is embarrassing.” She mumbled and tried to pull away.
“I can prove it, wait, I…” He was on his knees digging in his pockets with one hand, refusing to let go of her hand with the other. “I was hoping for a better moment, but…” pulling a flattened ring box out of his back pocket, he had apparently sat on it or crushed it in his suitcase a few times. “We can have a big party, announce formally at the party... I mean….”
“Yes,” she said wiggling the fingers of her left hand that he had not managed to maintain a grip of.
“Oh, yeah, engagement ring goes on the left hand.”
This turn of engagements was how both campaigns’ party planning doubled into one giant event.
U.G. was very happy with the celebratory family mood of the crowd. She had tried not to monitor the roller coaster of moods that were her treasurer’s year. All on both teams had tried to focus on sorting the data and getting work for the people done.
This year’s campaign focus was going to be medical care. POTUS 45’s no plan for a plan, and the repetitive attempts by the GOP to replace the Affordable Care Act, the entire time shamefully whittling away at health insurance options for the American people had turned U.G.’s stomach sour. She wanted to run as an independent again, but no matter how many times she polled for better results, her constituents didn’t want her to risk it.
U.G. had an eight-part plan to bring down the cost to make for medical care for all, fiscally possible that was far from Republican.
- No profit for health care necessary for survival. From birth to emergency care.
2. Preventive care health screenings determined necessary by your doctor override industry trends.
3. Electronic medical records that belong to the patient for more accurate and efficient healthcare.
4. Family medical history as preventive medicine as recommended by 2016 Surgeon General’s Family Health History Initiative.
5. Accept the fragility and limitations of the human lifespan with respectful palliative care for terminally ill and elderly people to die with dignity.
6. Improve the human diet for individual people by body type, age, and physical activity levels — -not about losing weight, but for a healthier people and planet.
7. Abortion is a privacy-protected medical procedure. Crime prevention plus access to healthcare i.e. birth control make the human race’s most dreaded ‘A’ word solvable. Abortion in politics is a rooster problem, not a chicken and the egg problem. Abortion, a preventable ill, almost a solvable problem except when necessary to save the Mother’s life or end future suffering of a severely deformed child.
8. Prescription drugs and illegal substance laws need to be reevaluated weighing the most empirically proven current research on the physical harm to the individual health of the users and each specific substance socioeconomic damage and possible benefits to quality of life for population demographics.
U.G. thought for sure point seven would end her as a Republican. She hated the word, ‘abortion’ more than any word she could think of in the English language. She equated the ‘A’ word for women to the ’N’ word for Americans of color who had ancestors who were enslaved. Like them, just a short time ago, women were property, not allowed to vote or own land. How is requiring a woman to carry to term her rapist's child not slavery? How is not allowing a woman to terminate a pregnancy that is threatening her life not murder? Worse is birth defects suffering for the entire family. The church should mourn with the family, support them when they need love, not persecute a woman and by extension her entire family for something that is not in her control. After that, the subject got worse as it shifted to human trafficking, date-rape and victims rights’. As far away from those situations as is physically possible and protection for the woman who may decide to keep the child that is made half from her. Why would any man ever think he has the right to protest the actual bloody hell that nightmares are made of?
U.G. would try to avoid the ‘A’ topic if she could but knew medical statistics and illogical moralizing conservatives were not going to let it go away. Backstage, looking over her notes before she spoke, she braced herself for some part of this mixed large crowd to protest.
But, before any of this worst-topic preparing was spoken out-loud the subject on the stage changed to love. U.G. was very thankful for the ray of sunshine that was Mike and Amy’s engagement announcement. He had grabbed his fiance by the hand and kept waving at U.G. trying to get her front and center with them. She had waited standing back in the doorway, not wanting to steal away any of their moment by folks who may have never seen her in person before staring at her Cat-ness.
U.G. still standing hesitantly in the doorway, at first, Mike grabbed the microphone and began, what was obviously the speech the party had been planned for.
“Hi everyone, I am honored to make an announcement today!”
U.G. smiled, she was truly very happy for them.
As many of you know, those who know the story, I was introduced to my fiance Amy, by her boss. Congresswoman U.G. A very special person, who more than anyone I have had the privilege to meet so far in my political career has an action plan to mend this country.
U.G.’s plan is HUMAN first economics and politics. Placing value in people more than profit, GNH over GDP. Gross National Happiness over Gross Domestic Product.” He pointed to the screen behind him reading, H.U.M.A.N as individual letters. “H.U.M.A.N. is an acronym.
H. stands for Home as a right.
U. stands for universal job training for needed vocations.
M. medical care for all as a right.
A. Art stimulus via a democratic ArtCoin365 voting system.
N. Needs met, no questions asked. Food, clean water, air and soil safe from pollutants.”
Look at that plan people! You have got the entire federal budget if you add the military for the future commander in chief!
“It’s my great honor to announce Utah Robin Green’s exploratory committee to run for president of the United States!”
The crowd roared, and some of them were shouting HUMAN! HUMAN!! HUMAN!!!
U.G. was completely shocked. The AIC was so happy that it had managed to surprise her. “I knew you would never do it for yourself.” It whispered, and she saw for the first time how driven and happy her team had been to plan this party for her.
His words were drowned out and slowed down like she were underwater but up there, in the blur, where U.G. feared she might pass out. Mike was announcing his plan to run for Representative to replace her, — because U.G. she is gonna win!!!”
Stay tuned, this story is just starting to get into the heart of the political parody. Un-Un-Cat, Episode 16. — Home is where the heart is.
